One of my favorite ways to make a person feel comfortable around me is through self-deprecating jokes. I think it's the way I've broken the ice with pretty much anyone I've become friends with. While admittedly they can be pretty funny, it has been very damaging to the way I not only view myself, but the way others view me as well. I don't want people to see me as insecure, unsure, and constantly underselling my value, but if I continue presenting myself this way, it’s no surprise they do. And it's also not just about how people view me - it also affects how I view myself. When I consistently hear myself belittling my abilities, it only reinforces and reaffirms the lack of faith I have in myself. There are many reasons we engage in this behavior: to seem approachable or self-aware, to be liked, or to preemptively counter potential criticism as a way of maintaining control.
Something I've observed about professionals who work in education or conflict-resolving positions is that they have mastered something very valuable: framing anything, no matter how challenging, positively. For example, instead of saying, "Well, your child doesn’t solve conflict independently yet, so we are working on encouraging him to talk to the other child instead of the teacher," a teacher will say something like, "We are working toward the next step of development which is your child being able to communicate his emotions to the other child independently in order to problem solve." This approach does not place any blame, which can foster shame, and instead focuses only on what this child can immediately practice to move toward their goal.
Shame does absolutely nothing for us. Focusing solely on how we are "not good" at something, or we have so much to improve on, or how our flaws get in the way of ourselves, is what hinders our growth. We have to stop focusing on the negatives and putting them on display just to make others comfortable. Emphasizing our flaws to put others at ease not only deepens our self-critic but also invites others to say these same things about you, and that's when it really gets rough. In attempts to make myself likeable, this has turned me into a doormat quite a few times.
I share these thoughts not as advice but as someone still learning. I think this is a practice we can all benefit from by applying it to how we speak about ourselves. Our words hold significant power, and if we aren't mindful of how we talk about ourselves, our language can shape our reality. I did a little bit (and I mean a little bit - I researched for like two minutes) of research to find some practices that I will be trying the next few weeks in order to break this habit, and I thought I would share them with you too.
Reframe your self-talk (stop over-emphasizing your mistakes!)
Do more of what you love - what makes you remember that you are talented, beautiful, worthy, and interesting
Talk back to your inner-critic and correct it
Figure out when you use self-deprecating behavior the most - prepare for the situation ahead of time
Fake it 'til you make it - act confident :)
A few things I'm grateful for today:
On Friday I went to San Francisco Ballet's Swan Lake. Wow. What an absolutely incredible and heart-wrenchingly gorgeous performance - truly world-class. Natalia Osipova (!!!) was supposed to be the guest role of Odette/Odile, but had to step out due to injury which was really sad, but the dancer who stepped in (Jasmine Jimison) was truly incredible :') I'm so obsessed you guys I haven't stopped thinking about it since it happened
I just love my preschoolers you guys. They are so sweet and have so much personality :') Today as I led a discussion with them, one of them interrupted me and said "Excuse me Teacher Katie.... you look beautiful today" ..... are you KIDDING me :') I am going to miss them so much
It's teacher appreciation week so I received some flowers today, a bagel, a donut and coffee <3
Messages and verses for today:
"Instead of beautiful, I will call you radiant, because it will never depend on any standards. You are just yourself and you shine." ♡
Matthew 6:26