These past two weeks have admittedly been miserable for me. The harsh realization that no one really cares about a degree, only years of some fancy work experience, threw me into an early life crisis, making me question all the stress and tears I went through. I'm still struggling with this, but I'm trying to be more forgiving of myself and accept the things I cannot control. What I came on here to discuss is what these past few days have shown me in terms of the misplacement of my values.
I had been getting so frustrated at the fact that I have hardly anyone to see and connect with in my town on top of everything else that hasn't been going away. So out of nostalgia, I decided to put on our old family videos. I think watching these videos from my childhood awoke something in me that I have been missing so much. Seeing my parents so excited to finally have children, how they would talk to us, how invested they were in even the smallest occasions in me and my brother's life... I kind of felt like garbage after that, realizing what I've taken for granted, and how small my problems seemed now. Watching the warmth and grace I was shown, I felt a love for them, my older brother, my extended family, everyone who made an appearance in my life, and my tiny little self. As a child, you have no choice but to be fully immersed and present, and I think that's why we miss so many aspects of our childhoods. It's not because we were babies or because we were young, we miss how present we were. At least for me, I re-recognized how lucky I am to have parents that care so deeply about me. A week ago, I would have given anything to be out of this house, but here I am, grateful to be with them while I still can be.
It's also important to note that once again, I had also rejoined instagram at the very end of May out of curiosity and to make an account designated for my outfits for fun. Of course, it only takes a week online for me to be miserable again: comparing myself and counting the ways I don't measure up to my peers, obsessively checking analytics and stats on a post, becoming attention-seeking, getting my time sucked up by reels and wondering why I feel so bad, absorbing people's negative opinions, and the list goes on and on for why I just cannot do any social platform really. So I fixed it today - this time irreversibly. What a breath of fresh air it is. I spent the day outside in a book, in the pool, and lying in the sun, just listening and appreciating. I have nothing to prove, I just do what feels good because it feels good. I respect everyone's autonomy, but I honestly cannot encourage leaving social media enough for this very reason because sometimes it really is that simple.
I also had begun to wonder why I never did anything nice for myself. I never make a big deal of my accomplishments or any moment that could warrant a celebration of me. Why wasn't I more kind? Did I not love myself? If we spend 100% of our time with ourselves, and if the time is going to pass anyways, why not make it something you love? So I have been taking myself on dates. My first one was at the antique shops downtown, which is my favorite place to go in any city, and yesterday, it was a trip to the library which I haven't done in ages. It brought back that youthful energy and joy that I hadn't felt in ages to simply walk out of the doors with several books in my arms that I was dying to get started on.
So here I am in my gap year, before I go back to school again, God willing, with my priorities straightened out as I start afresh. Love and appreciation have to be at the center of your life. As they say, you take yourself everywhere you go, so it really doesn't matter where you are in your life. What seems to be the most fulfilling at the end of the day, is the care that you have for yourself, others, and the world. Life doesn't need to be crazy to be beautiful and rich.
A few things I'm grateful for:
This space to simply be me. I contradict myself, but I learn and grow here. Thank you and I love you. ♡
My family, my friends, my dog, everyone who returns the love I show
Being here. I have a conviction that I must have chosen this: coming to earth. I think I must have known how difficult this was going to be, but I believed that the good far outweighed the bad, which is why I am here
Messages:
"It is not necessary to have great things to do. I turn my little omelet in the pan for the love of God." -Brother Lawrence ♡
Philippians 4:4
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