Silent quitting; "and so it is..."

I've been troubled when it comes to people I thought were my friends lately, and even people I continued to hold close despite their lack of effort to truly be one. I'm not someone who likes to sit with their negative feelings admittedly. Though I'm not proud of it, I have been known to be a "ghoster." We all have our things that work, and for awhile, this worked really well for me. It allowed me to rip the band-aid off and start fresh in a matter of seconds... almost like it never happened at all.

But now I needed something different. Continuing to villainize more people, on top of all the others from my past that I had already locked into that category, was only adding to my pain. The quote about anger and resentment, "drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die," was finally catching up with me.

I had made avoidance and dismissal my techniques in an attempt to achieve my goal of erasing my past and whoever was involved in it. I could not stand the possibility that I had allowed someone into my life who would not be there on my own terms, or who would not play the role I had unknowingly crafted for them in my head. I could not stand feeling like a victim. It was my attempt to control the narrative.

So I needed to create a new goal.

If making erasure my goal was bringing me turmoil, then I needed to make peace my ultimate goal. I thought that by blocking things out, shoving them away, and villainizing every memory, I could make them disappear and create a peaceful life. But I was miserable. Despite my desperate efforts to push it all away, it still existed. So I got to writing, and this was what allowed me to fully regulate and come to a sense of peace:

1. First, I gave my issue a title: "Friendships built on nothing"

2. Then, I went to town. I let myself vent and grieve, and I listed all the reasons I felt hurt and no longer like a priority. I fully gave myself permission to be a human: to deflect, play the blame game, and double-down on my habits. I didn't think about whether it was right or wrong, I just let it be so that I could get it all out. At the end, I wrote: “I see that I was fun for them in the moment, but they did not have me in mind long-term.” A disappointed, but somewhat matter-of-fact conclusion.

3. After looking at that last sentence for a while, it started to hurt less. Not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever - and that makes sense. How would I discover my own unique path if everyone stayed the same? How would I grow? How would I figure out what I truly want? So I wrote: "It hurts, but I don’t have to live in this bitterness and stew over it. I can let the energy I give to them go, and I can do it peacefully with the faith and knowledge that not everyone is meant to be in my life forever.”

4. Then, I went through each friend specifically and I listed out what they had done that had made me feel hurt. After that, I wrote, "I can let this one go. I am angry because _____, but I can let this go. To silent quit is to simply stop working overtime for nothing. To put in the energy that is required of me, and nothing more. I do not need to care when caring is only costing me my peace and nothing more. A friend that I want to have would not have these traits."

5. This allowed me to set things straight in my brain peacefully, allowing me to focus instead on a happier goal: the friends I would like to seek out vs the friends I did not find myself happy or fulfilled with. It also allowed me to focus on the friends I have that already do have these wonderful qualities I love so much. You are likely reading this now - hello and I love you!! :)

6. After sitting with those happier thoughts, I decided to get down to the real work: parenting my insecurities and reminding myself that my old habits are not helpful for me moving forward. Here is what I wrote: “Even if quitting internally doesn’t feel like enough - even if you want to block them on everything just to feel like you’ve started fresh - remember that you already have started fresh. By writing this out, you are new. Even if every detail in your environment stays the same, you are still new. Just by seeing the situation for what it is, and choosing peace, you are new. Celebrate this!" Cheesy, maybe - but entirely necessary for me.

7. Then, I made a plan for myself to solidify this change and to keep me working towards a happier me.

   1. No making plans or initiating them

   2. No unfriendliness, no passive-aggressiveness, just dialing down your energy

   3. No check ups or initiating updates. If asked for an update, just say you’re doing well and keep things vague yet friendly

   4. Allow yourself to feel upset, but then make your peace. Make friends with yourself, wish them well, and focus on the types of friends you want to have moving forward

   5. Let it be in your past - do not continue to bring it up and air your grievances

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And that was it. I went into my day happier, and yes, at peace. All of us are always going to be a work in progress. But if sharing something that helped me through a difficult moment can inspire or comfort someone else, then this post has served its purpose.

Books that have helped/inspired me during this process :)

• The Courage to be Disliked - Ichiro Kishimi

• A Return to Love - Marianne Williamson

Messages:

• "We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do." -Marianne Williamson ♡

• Circle - Jess Nolan

• John 14:27